"Is it' possible to transform one's life within the course of thirty days in such a way that can only be described as a miracle?"

I believe so and I intend to do so. But once again what is this miracle I am looking to manifest? Well here it goes. At the present moment I am unemployed in the conventional sense of being "employed". I will be moving out of my apartment as of August first, due to my inability to pay the rent.

Seems a bit drab, seems that the solution is for me to just go out and get a job, work, work, work. Save my money and just move on. But that's exactly what I have always done, with exactly the same results. I don't believe for one minute if I do exactly what I have always done that in someway I am going to get a result any different then I ever had before. That little seed of truth was one I missed again and again.

My understanding of the universe at large is that it will give you the same situation again and again until you begin to see it differently. Trust me when I say initially I was freaking out, I was so consumed with self-pity and anger I couldn't see that I was being offered the exact thing I wanted.....

The opportunity to change my life.

Most of what I have always done never made sense to me, that's what the struggle was, that's where the dis-contentment was, that's were the disappointment was. I was living a life dressed in the suit of someone else's beliefs and it just didn't fit. I always thought that something was wrong with me because I just couldn't seem to live in the world the way I was "Supposed" to.

I have done a million different things, but never the things that "feel" right to me. Trying to live in the world wearing the wrong set of beliefs is like trying to live under water with no oxygen tank it's a struggle just to survive.

That's my life in a sentence or what my life acim , a struggle to survive.
Thank God I'm a fighter; not in the sense of violent, knock down drag down, don't look at me the wrong way or else. I mean that deep down inside of me there was always that fire that fought against all I was told to accept, because it knew there was more then what "was".

How I became aware of how this whole situation was an opportunity for me to change my life was in the midst of trying to figure out how to kill myself. After all the hard work I put into rebuilding my life; within the span of a few months I had lost it all. Not because I did anything wrong, life just presented itself and I folded under the pressure.

I was tired of fighting to survive. I was tired of barely scraping by after working 50 something hours a week. I was tired of standing in my kitchen looking into empty cabinets; crying wondering how it was possible that at 33 years old I couldn't feed myself in one of the richest countries of the world.
So I gave up. I decided if this is what life was about I wasn't interested in being apart of it another second longer. But like I said... I'm a fighter and even if I didn't know it in the moment...something within me knew more was about to be revealed.

I've learned that in life the moments where you feel the most hopeless is when you find the greatest strength. I got pissed. I got mad. I got angry. I took a stand and said...

"No more".

I made a decision that no matter what I would do whatever to find a different way to live. I became willing to give up everything I have in order to free myself from its deceptive hold. I would risk making a fool of myself, risk falling flat on my face, risk people calling me nuts. Knowing full well that others would resist what I was doing and would tell me that it couldn't be done.

I'm OK with that, because I have never felt so free, so unlimited, and so hopeful. I have never felt so "right" and I'm not allowing anyone or anything to tell me or convince me that the life I was living was one I should happily return to in sad defeat.

When I was in rehab two years ago a wise man by the Rev. told me....

"People will tell you that you are a failure, that what you are doesn't amount to much of anything...and you probably believe them. But instead of thinking and believing you're a failure try this on for size".

"You are a person in the process of succeeding...having a difficult time."

This was the first time I ever learned that situations could only have as much power as the beliefs you attach to them. So that is my new motto.

I am a person in the process of succeeding, but it's not me having a difficult time. It's those that are uncomfortable with what I am doing that are having the difficult time

I just want to take a moment and thank everyone that has gone out of their way to contact me in reference to this experiment. I am so grateful and overwhelmed with the support I have received from people.

I sent out a bunch of e-mails today and I got a nice response back from people on my mailing list...but it was those not on my mailing list that really got me.
People I don't know, who don't know me. People that this message reached across the Internet that are cheering me on.

Thank you